All Up In My Feelings

I've really been wallowing in self pity lately. I realize that it's completely counterproductive, but I just cant help the way I feel. It's gotten to the point that I really just wish I didn't want another child anymore. I wrote my feelings down this morning, so I guess this is let's share time.

I just want to be free from infertility. I want so badly to not want another child anymore. I want to be able to feel complete with Mr. C and Lil B and just move on from this. I want to not troll around on babiesrus.com planning outfits and furniture and baby decor for a baby who may never come. I just want to be free of it. I want to be able to look at Mr. C and not think about the baby that my malfunctioning ovaries are depriving him of. I want to not have named these children who may never be. I want to not feel guilty for depriving Brandon of a sibling, forcing him to grow up an only child like I did. I wish I could just pick up these broken pieces of me and walk away from this dream. I just want to be happy, that's all. I'm tired of hiding my misery behind shopping and makeup and my fur baby. I want to not envy my friends and family for having the families that I felt like I deserved. I want to stop second guessing my marriage because of this. I want to stop questioning God about why im being punished. Is it because I'm pro-choice? Is it because when my marriage to Lil B's bio father ended I swore I didn't want any more kids? Is it because I don't deserve Mr. C? I'm tired of wondering and guessing and hoping and wishing. I'm tired of feeling like less of a woman and less of a wife because my ovaries are stupid and can't manage to do the one damn thing they're meant to do. I'm just tired.

It could all be so simple..

Hi, my name is Nesha and I'm infertile. I was diagnosed with PCOS five years ago and my husband and I have been trying to conceive for about four and a half years. I have a couple of other issues stemming from the PCOS that have prevented me from being able to seek fertility treatments as of yet. I am also dealing with a military treatment facility as my primary care physician which is a whole other brick wall standing in the way of my family building goals. I am currently navigating the emotional minefield that is otherwise known as secondary infertility. Basically, secondary infertility means that I already have a child, but I am having trouble conceiving another child. I am blessed to have an eight year old son, however my husband does not have any biological children.

Those of us with secondary infertility are essentially caught between two worlds, fertile and infertile, and we really dont fit in either. In the infertility community, we are treated like ungrateful, selfish, and greedy red headed stepchildren.  If I had a dollar for everytime someone with primary infertility told me that I should be grateful, I'd be hood rich. A lot of us shy away from acknowledging that we have children on infertility forums out of fear of being attacked. I have never understood that mentality. If you have spent any time in the infertility community you'd know that one of the major issues that infertile people face is the constant barrage of ignorant comments from fertile people. I don't understand how you could go through dealing with other people's ignorant comments and then turn right back around and dish it out to someone else. It sickens me that relations between primary infertiles and secondary infertiles always break down into a crying contest of whose pain is worse. I am not in the business of hurting other people, and I can imagine how it must hurt to be facing the possibility of never having a child, however it hurts me to keep my feelings bottled up. This blog is the remedy for that. Im operating a judgement free zone. There are only two rules here: respect others and try to refrain from using sentences that begin with "You should be grateful..." You never know what a person is going through or what they are grateful for. I, for one, am extremely grateful for the child that I have. I love him with everything that I am. That being said, I still feel as though my family is incomplete.